My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize