dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
