You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize