Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
