If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
