first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
