Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
