i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
