I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
