i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
