Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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