I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
