im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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