dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
