The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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