There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
