I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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