I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
