I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
