I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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