if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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