You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
