I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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