Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
