you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
