but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
