I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
