gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
