You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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