Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
