i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
