my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
