just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
