Duck Duck Cougar?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
