Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
