next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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