I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
