Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
