She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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