i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
