dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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