Umm I'm too high to move.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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