Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
