He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My dick has a subreddit
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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