if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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