I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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