I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
