I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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