Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
