I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
