Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Come on in and take your pants off
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