my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
