dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
