Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
