My balls are so social today.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I will pee on everything he values.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
