I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
