Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
