2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
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