the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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