I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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