Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize