I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
