dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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