Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
