So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
