I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
