As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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